my head hounds me
a persistent nagging
impossible to sleep

i must exhaust my body
i must let my eyes droop
i must try to direct my thoughts

it bothers me to know
that i cannot sleep alone

I am so tired
It's a boredom that creeps along my spine
A tingle of death
I feel that I am becoming slowly trapped
I love it here
And yet I yearn for more
I want to be a traveler
Yet I cannot bear to leave

ever.

I will wait.

my heart swollen to bursting
hiding my misted eyes beneath the brim of my hat
checking the movement of my feet, discouraging dancing

when i look up there is your smile
i feel it before i see it
and cannot help but smile back

hyjacked poetry

Promise me fascination beside the blue river bed
Two sisterful away
Thank you but my sky vowed pink world
His voice like rich chocolate
I hold his strong dyldor
Make touch be the song
Listen to respect drop ever and ever
Protect that one power
Laugh with favorite kind
Drink positive music
Make wing fever
Grow moon spirit sea
Embrace wild pleasure but cheek
We are happy and we know it
Must taste sugar
Want in soft
Boy I love him up at night
Hour near over
Innocent search by neighbor old guy
Please caress fore skin with honey
Me est hard girl
Remember mutual hand play
Gentle open armed goddess of light
Sleep between tiny woman
Will as luck take dance
Not another head
Beam me down kid

stop haunting me.
every time i push you down
you crawl back up
with your continuous insinuations
your unsaid fears and accusations
i thought you knew me better
i thought i knew you better
good riddance
please, just go.

i hate when anyone thinks less of me
i hate a tarnished reputation
it's my ego
everyone should like me

I will never ask,
But I will always listen.

You will get no cajoling, no pleading.
Only a silent ear.

Not so say I am not curious.

Change

But now is the moment, now is your chance, now is the beginning of a new
Dance
It's all too easy to say, "I am who I am" - to allow yourself to
Shrug your shoulders and say, "Accept me, I accept myself"

And the changes don't finish, just because you started
Allow yourself the lessons, there's room for heartache
Acknowledge the breakthroughs, but know there's always more
Don't stop yourself from being all you can be
To measure up to all he's expected to achieve
A man must do more than he is capable of
Man is what he believes

-- Anthony Stewart Head, "Change"

my chest becomes the pillow
my arm and leg the blankets
my fingers trace patterns on your back
your breath warms me

hugging a pillow is just not as good...

i get lost in you
dissolving, mixing
and i find myself
over and over

i am no longer the sponge
soaking up others' emotion
your eyes mirror
i see myself in you

it's a cliche
but you complete me

i hope i help you the way you help me.

my breath hangs in front of me
before solidifying against the inside of the windows
clouds of frozen exhaust fog the intersections
where cars pause momentarily

Happiness is your head on my chest
your fingers tracing my spine
your kiss on my brow.

Happiness is my hand in yours
my lips on your skin
my smile against your cheek.

Happiness is sharing breaths
locking eyes
dreaming together.

magnetic

art felt at dark blooms best
i want a hero to trust
fight the ache
can there be a tender kiss
only curl where you enjoy
share the heart's sacred language
belong by fire
yours is a delicious mind
dream together
embrace wild pleasure
joy is sweeter than understanding
evening is heaven's soul
his voice like rich chocolate
make touch be the song
love him up at night
listen to respect drop over and over
regard each day as a universe of hope
we are happy and we know it
let emotion soar
live always finds time for love
it is never easy to get true friends
whisper when you work
wishing for lip hair
let this quiet moment endure

Yeah heaven's jealous of the rain
Make love like time and space is ending
While befriending fate's alluring way of putting us to shame

(from Blue October - Sound of Pulling Heaven Down)

there is much distance in silence.
yet in shared silence, there is a closeness beyond that reached with words.

sometimes the space is unbearable. other times it is the greatest comfort.

snow
I want to curl up in front of a window
With my boy
and watch it
snow

i hesitate to trust myself
i've no idea how you do
tainted from the start
but i am to erase the mar
i never want to betray that trust
i never want to fail again

i look into your eyes and i see myself mirrored so well. reflected in all the right ways. a perfect compliment. and i know that the ease that i feel is well-founded. i know why no nervous thoughts lurk. there is no room.

all is well.

the smell of you on my pillows
on my skin
your daydream lips against mine
a finger, a hand of fingers, trace my back

but my bed, my house, is empty
please come home.

(I am pitiful and pining.)

Everything is Illuminated

(by Jonathan Safran Foer)


“I am a very premium person to be with. I am homely, and also severely funny and these are winning things.”



“’Today you believe in God?’ And he would say ‘today I believe in love.’”



“We are all too good for each other.”



“He died from being an artist.”



“It would be possible, in theory, for life and art to be reversed.”


"We must go backward in order to go forward.”


“our love was the affliction for which only our love was the cure…”


“He couldn’t bear to live, but he couldn’t bear to die.”


“He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy.”



“the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.”



“something, everything, is missing...what is here is only what is not here.”



“humorous is the only truthful way to tell a sad story.”



“the bruises go away, and so does how you hate, and so does the feeling that everything you receive in life is something you have earned.”


“I want to do something I’m not ashamed of.”



“Of course it bothers me when you’re a fool.”



“She wrapped her arms around his neck, as if trying to pull herself into him, or him into her.”



“she would never be happy and honest at the same time.”



“She addressed her world honestly, searching for something deserving of the volumes of love she knew she had within her.”



“Love itself became the object of her love.”



“If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world.”


“Love me, because love doesn’t exist, and I have tried everything that does.”



“She was wise and thoughtful enough to lie.”


“…willfully creating and believing fictions necessary for life.”



“…’Deep down, the young are lonelier than the old.’ I read that in a book somewhere and it’s stuck in my head. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not true. More likely, the young and the old are lonely in different ways, in their own ways…”



“It occurred to me this afternoon that there is nothing in the world I like so much as writing in my diary. It never misunderstand me and I never misunderstand it. We are like perfect lovers, like one person.”



“She repeats things until they are true, or until she can’t tell whether they are true or not.”



“Is she crying?... Or was the artist just trying to make her look more beautiful?”



“She had a good heart (which was worth more than a good brain)”



“Love... is the immovability of truth.”



“Why are the painful things always electromagnets?”



“She says mochaccinos are special today, because they are coffee.”



“I was deceiving him, and I am certain that he desired to be deceived.”


“There are only so many times that you can utter ‘It does not hurt’ before it begins to hurt even more than the hurt.”



“This is love… when you notice someone’s absence and hate that absence more than anything.”



“The only way to overcome sadness is to consume it.”


“Death is the only thing in life that you absolutely have to be aware of as it’s happening.”


“They had never known the deepest intimacy, that closeness attainable only with distance.”


“the hole is no void; the void exists around it.”


“Those who prayed came to believe less and less in the god of their creation and more and more in their belief.”


“I can be a melancholy person in manners that are interesting, not only melancholy.”



“With writing we have second chances.”



“Everything is the way it is because everything was the way it was.”



“I beseech you to forgive us, and to make us better than we are. Make us good.”



“You should never have to be the one remaining.”


“Once you hear something, you can never return to the time before you heard it.”


“I used to think that humor was the only way to appreciate how wonderful and terrible the world is, to celebrate how big life is… But now I think it’s the opposite. Humor is a way of shrinking from that wonderful and terrible world.”



“We were both secretly in love with words, I guess.”


“Your wedding day is not time to be comfortable.”


“Doing right often means feeling wrong, and if you find yourself feeling wrong, you’re probably doing right.”



“It is, by love’s definition, impossible to love two people.”


“It does not matter if you are guileless, or delicate, or modest. Just be yourself.”



“We love the things that we commiserate.”


“I do not think that there are any limits to how excellent we could make life seem.”


“But if you do persevere, do not doe so for curiosity. That is not a good enough reason.”


“Sometimes if is better to say something queer than not to say anything.”


“’It is said that the Messiah will come at the end of the world.’ ‘But is was not the end of the world,’... ‘It was. He just did not come.’ ‘Why did he not come?’ ‘This was the lesson we learned from everything that happened – there is no God. It took all of the hidden faces for Him to prove this to us.’ ‘What if it was a challenge of your faith?’… ‘I could not believe in a God what would challenge faith like this.’ ‘What if it was not in His power?’ “I could not believe in a God that could not stop what happened.’ ‘What if it was man and not God that did all of this?’ ‘I do not believe in man, either.’”



“She does not desire happiness… the only way she can live is if she is melancholy.”


“Books are for those without real lives… and they are no real replacement.”


“It was not the Jew, of course, who invented the love poem, but the other way around.”


“The problem of evil: why unconditionally bad things happen to unconditionally good people. They never do.”


“The novel is that art form that burns most easily.”



“Art: … I want to sell this, or I want this to make me famous and loved or, I want this to make me whole, or worse, I want this to make others whole.”



“Music is beautiful.”



“(Words never mean what we want them to mean.) If we communicated with something like music, we would never be misunderstood, because there is nothing in music to understand.”


“Unable to thwart the fury of a poet scorned.”



“God loves the plagiarist. And so it is written, ‘God created humankind in His image, in the image of God He created them.’ God is the original plagiarizer. With a lack of reasonable sources from which to filch – man created in the image of what? The animals?—the creation of man was an act of reflexive plagiarizing; God looted the mirror. When we plagiarize, we are likewise creating in the image and participating in the completion of Creation.”


“Were we praying, Forgive our oppressor for what they have done? Or, Forgive us for what has been done to us? Or, Forgive You for Your inscrutability?”


“The end of the world has come often, and continues to often come. Unforgiving, unrelenting, bringing darkness upon darkness, the end of the world is something we have become well acquainted with, habitualized, made into a ritual. It is our religion to try to forget it in its absence, make peace with it when it is undeniable, and return its embrace when it finally comes for us, as it always does.”



“There has yet to be a human to survive a span of history without at least one end of the world.”

“and if we are to strive for a better future, mustn’t we be familiar and reconciled with our past?”


“...sadness of a God who would need people to pray to Him…”



“...sadness of love without release”



“...sadness of not knowing enough words to express what you mean.”


“I know that it is not necessary that there be one right thing. There may be two right things. There may be no right things.”


“I present not-truths in order to protect you… Everything is to protect you. I exist in case you need to be protected.”


“the origin of a story is always an absence.”



“the easiest things for you to give are the hardest things for you to give.”


“She told him that she had contemplated suicide, as if it were a decision.”



“The more you love someone, he came to think, the harder it is to tell them. It surprised him that strangers didn’t stop each other on the street to say I love you.”


“To feel alone is to be alone.”


“I would never command you to write a story that is as it occurred in the actual, but I would command you to make your story faithful.”



“you are all in the proximity of love, and all disavow love.”


“What good is all this love doing on paper?”



“There is no love. Only the end of love.”


“These are my ghosts, the spaces amid love.”


“I wanted so much for him to live a good life, without death and without choices and without shame.”


“We believed in things, we were so foolish.”



“Nobody likes war not even those who survive it, not even the winners.”



“We stood next to each other because that is what friends do in the presence of evil or love.”


“I loved him so much that I madeloveimpossible.”


“The only thing more painful than being an active forgetting is to be an inert rememberer.”



“His love had overtaken him from the inside out, like a sickness.”


“It was impossible to remember what one meant, what, after all of the words, was intended.”


“They waited to die, and we cannot blame them, because we would do the same, and we do do the same.”


“She did all of those things and so many more, things I would never tell anyone, and she never even love me. Now that’s love.”


“We fought so much just to remind ourselves that we were in love.”


“Her grief is replaced with a useful sadness.”



“Every love is carved from loss.”


“Peace. That is all that I would ever want for them. Not money and not even love.”

I like to think my touch can heal every pain.
The circle of my arms clears worried thoughts.
My kiss on the brow wipes away fears.
A squeeze of my hand is reassurance.

But I'm not sure it works that way.
And that, in turn, pains me.

Because I haven't much else.

I can give the touch of my skin.
I can look into your eyes.
I can smile.
I can listen, and I can talk.
I can reassure, and joke and cry.

Only the insubstantial.

I am the ghost of a savior.
And poorly represented.

"I never want to hurt you the way that she did."

I hate nothing more than knowing there is a problem and not being able to fix it. I hate being helpless.

The turmoil of testosterone
spins me in it's sick cycles.
Will I ever be a real boy?

again resisting bed
but now only because it's empty

"Sometimes smiling comes with sound"

and

I think they call this bliss.

I don't know how to deal with death.
Does anyone?
Not likely.

I just want to be able to make everything okay.
I want to heal all the hurt.
It hurts to see others hurt.

the sun comes up every morning
through
tremendous sadness
and
infinite beauty

more magnetic poetry

enjoy a full night on skin
a girl felt up baby
their gift was to understand music
taste each true rhapsody
your best wishes were whispered
thank them
warm sun will go find my mind
sit beside your mother
go away song ache

I cannot find the words.
It's like trying to take a photograph of a moonlit night.
Impossible.
Out of reach.
But I want to capture the beauty I feel.
I will continue to grasp at the silvery light.

I am unafraid to see myself mirrored in your eyes.

One cannot readily pursue happiness
It is an elusive beast
Coming only when least expected

Love happens to work similarly.

sometimes I cannot contain my smile.

My hearts swells to bursting.
It's too soon to let that flood fill the room.
I let it leak slowly from my fingertips,
As they caress your back.
It can escape from my lips on your brow.
It shines from my eyes as they lock onto yours.
It is on the breath that we share.

"regrets are for quitters"

but it hurts me to hurt you.

sweat is a poor substitute for tears.

the songs no longer hold their sting
no tears mist my eyes
every day gets easier

but I still miss you

a gnawing at my soul
the coldness around my heart
cacophony in my head

i've kept it out for so long
numbed myself
i tried to return slowly
but it's crushing me
the long-forgotten weight
taking revenge

nothing likes being pent up
not self-realization
not fear
not anger
not love
not faith

and i've given each it's turn behind the dam
can't i swim in a peaceful river
a river blended with the aspects of each?
will there ever be a time when i'm not either all or or nothing?

In the unspoken spaces between the chatter
In the silences that populate the long days
There lurks the discontent.
It looms over us, but we ignore it.
I can tell that it crushes you.
I can see it in your eyes,
It is reflected in your words.
But it is never referred to directly.
And it pains me to observe.
Yet I will hold my peace.
I will stand by you until such a time as I am needed.
I will forever be at your elbow ignoring your protest.
I will be your shadow.
For you are destined to be great and I will see you through.

People always say "the waves lapped the shore"
what of : "the waves caressed the sands"?

I tire of the trite.
I yearn for unique, novel, awe-inspiring.

I am bored and malcontent.

A shadow over the face of the moon
Marring the pale innocence
Dimming the silver radiance

my rock,
i hope i'm not the rivulet of water that slowly causes you to crumble
i need you strong for me
i never wish to be your detriment
thank you for being my bastion
for listening and understanding when so few would
you are my all.

if this is a glimpse of what may is to come
i wish to hasten it's arrival
but, as always, i have to be patient
i must wait for the other to make the moves
i've done all i can ever do

and so i wait.

how long to sing this song?

get the fuck out of my head.
leave my dreams alone.

magnetic emotion

skin your mother
(run my) hand over his sister
vow by tender fire
you fight like an only child
kiss away every tiny joy
love is nice
we be not innocent
your woman is devoted to wild pleasure
caress her cheek
give the gift of hope
fascinating voices
fly forever a thousand souls
belong between the universe
sweet beauty boy
I never remember
embrace the power rich emotion
laugh/ I canish
sleep as if there are no dreams
that old guy joined the goddess
search by soft evening sky
marry making neighbor
trust little beams
tremendous sadness compares to heaven
enduring infinite touch is a must
let my open lips lease you
dance off all work
smile at red kid
go away song ache
fruit with chocolate
thing strong
tear hair
taste each true rhapsody

I am a living contradiction.
One breath says stay,
another, go.
I cling and I shove.
I want space
but never to be alone.
I want security
and I want freedom.
I say I don't feel,
Then I say I love you.

head wars with heart
the battle deep within me
i don't know which to side with
i don't know which is right

no one wins wars

this is a very odd feeling.

i am not okay.

I wish I could heal the hurt.

My own.

Everyone's.

My heart breaks with you.

My heart breaks for you.

... I am heartless. unfeeling.

how does this all affect my numbness?

I thought I was in love once.
Then I realized that I love everyone.
And that it's okay to lose some.
And gain others.

I have learned the lesson of restraint.
I have learned to free myself from myself.
I have learned to notice my manipulation.
And temper it.
I have learned to suppress, and work out my emotions.
I have learned to tread carefully.
To be wary.
But always, always to love.

I will never stop trusting.
I will never stop loving.

Any hurt I sustain from such love and trust,
Is my fault and mine alone.

There will never be anything to forgive.

Magnetic Poetry

sweet skin lit by good fun
please share another tender pleasure
do not give the nice woman grass
use sacred wild sea
dream a life
join only easy songs
their art has endured tremendous times
i devote ever happy tear to my father
go between honor and fire
make a thousand mutual beams of music
language is forever delicious
the universe is laughing
compare souls
fly down & kiss the infinite night
curl together
rise to a hero
man up
kneel under with love
caress god
trust as if you belong
never ward off positive touch
embrace the boy
you marry this neighbor girl
think hard
play at looking innocent
little but home
hope guy
must fight beauty to find luck
come enjoy smile river
do ears taste fascination
true chocolate moon light
the small had you wanting
in search of heaven/emotion/rhapsody/promise
make my day
pink sugar in every child
charm his world

losing a friend is like losing a limb. you never realize how much you depend on them until they're gone...

sometimes, I miss her so much I think my chest might explode.

interestingly, that "her" could be any number of people, some of them not female...

borrowed emotion.
as usual.

but the tow is strong.
out to sea.
adrift.

Am I making the right decision?
Is this all a huge mistake?
What will the future hold?
Do I even want to know?

i like to think that my hugs can heal the world.

raison d'etre

It pains to see others hurt
more for them to hide it
to suffer alone
i want to share
lighten the load
be the bastion
even if it pains me

sometimes it hurts so much.
I just want to hold you in my arms.

and the truth shall set you free.

I am ever so free.

my heart is my own.

to give to whom I choose.

how many times do i have to say it?
the truth is what i live by, no matter the pain.
and yet, assumptions are made
contrary to my truth
and i am left in the dark
searching the murk for the lost truth
it just keeps hiding
elusive and taunting
when i catch it again
i will never let it go

Gravity

There are people in this world that have a sort of Gravity. I do not mean seriousness. I also do not mean that they are hugely fat. But that they carry some sort of weight or power in some realm that I cannot describe.

I am drawn to people with this Gravity. I feel as though I need to be close to that other-realm power. Some people manifest it in different (and equally inexplicable) ways. Basically, I wish to be near them, to be a part of something special. I just want to observe at the least, and take part if at all possible.

The people with this Gravity are the people who seem to shine in a room of people. They may be the most chatty and friendly one of the group, or they could be the quiet one in the corner. They generally are the ones who listen well, and also speak well. One can carry on real conversation with them. One can expect to be heard out and even understood. These are people one can spend hours and days on end with and never become bored or annoyed. Sometimes a person with Gravity says things that are blunt and incomprehensible, but usually necessary. A person with Gravity is affirming and seems to see into people in new and interesting ways. Often they are ambitious, but in a low-key sort of way. The Gravity is not directed as Fame, though I'm sure some famous people have Gravity as well.

I think that many people with Gravity for me do not hold the same Gravity for others. I believe that some are fairly across the board, most people are affected by their Gravity. But for others, it seems I'm alone in my recognition of their Gravity. This makes it even harder to explain and quantify.

I tend to center myself around people with Gravity. Usually it is not a conscious decision. It just sort of happens. And for various reasons, a person with Gravity has left my life. This always throws me off-balance and into a strange confusion. I need to realign myself and refocus. I need to approach other people with Gravity much more carefully.

Think of it sort of like a planet orbiting a star. The star holds the planet on course with Gravity. The planet is autonomous, but supported. What if the star was to blink out? Perhaps the planet would be decimated in whatever caused the star's demise. Or perhaps it would just be left adrift, until some other object with Gravity stabilized it again.

I'm not astrophysicist. Obviously. I am just a wobbly planet searching for my next star.

unknown agitation
uncaused irritants
uncanny whims

I'm failing.
I once had a friend who responded.
I said I was a wreck.
She came anyway.
I don't have that anymore.

I don't want to strain anyone.
I want everything to be okay.
I want to hold and be held.

"And all the words we left unsaid still torture me..."

"I guess I’ll stay this way for now
And maybe fix myself somehow
I’m falling deep, alone again
I’m not hopeless"




lyrics by It's Alive

A big vocabulary should be customary when you fall in love!

“What a night! I was in more laps than a napkin.”

“We’re happy, young and…. hemorrhaging blood.”

(from Reefer Madness)

you help me break this addiction
your presence slackens her grip on me
giddiness overcoming unease and pain
I just want my heart back so I can give it to you
it's a bit broken
but we can fix it together
and you'll take much better care of it.

whos larry??

vast vagueries
feints in the dark
snaps at the jugular with padded teeth
blood tainted with confused regret
spilling on the crumbled snow
ice daggers to the heart
leaving it beating and broken
disappearing without a trace
melting to cowardly silence

I will never stop trusting.
No matter who lies to me or how many times.
When the truth is withheld and uncovered.
When you walk away and never return.

There is nothing to forgive.

stockholm syndrome

"It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention"


My biggest fear is that I will become you.
You were my world.
You sucked me in.
Then pushed me out.
And I'm trapped.

I just want my heart to be free.
So I can give it to another.

sound of pulling heaven down

I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is
When earth collides with all the space between...

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before,
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore.
I may be some sort of crazy,
We may be some sort of crazy,
But I swear on everything I have and more...


-- blue october

magnetic poetry

the universe is laughing
make a thousand beams of music
language is forever delicious
please share another tender pleasure
do not give the nice woman grass
use sacred wild sea
fly down to kiss the infinite night
curl together
never ward off positive touch
do ears taste fascination
must fight beauty to find truth
true chocolate moonlight
pink sugar in every child

I got a new copy of the Tao te Ching. It is a used copy and someone wrote in the front of it. "I think we are having more fun seeing the world than many others." I want to live that quote.

intoxicated by possibilities
haunted by potential

Someone else wrote this, and I like it so very much.

"i will, i will, i will. i will, one day, create something great. but for now, i am creating every single day, and the few people who feel these and smile, that's all that matters for now."

what is 1000 miles?
what is a month and a half?
a blur, a blink
a grueling eternity

but for the tapping of keys
the bouncing of satellites
the hum of wires

the late nights
the quick days

you keep me going.

why dont you stay out of my head?
why cant i go though a day without you?
you haunt me and you dont even know it.
why did i allow you to ruin me in this way?

i miss my friend.
i wish her ghost would leave me be.
it is no substitute.

the ache is deep
there is no right or wrong
i am compelled
i am withdrawn
the truth must be spoken, always
i want it to work
i fear that it won't
when did things get so complicated?

The Science of Sleep

"In dreams, emotions are overwhelming."

"The problem is that I do not have a girlfriend. And I am not dead."

"I like your boobs. I think they are very friendly and unpretentious."

the taste of tears is the closest I've ever been
to the ocean.

Ruby Tuesday

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

"...that bird that when set free will eventually return for visits but when caged will die ..."

"let it go, this too shall pass"

haunted life

yearning for desolation
consoled by emptiness
completed only by loneliness

"let it go, this too shall pass"


liquid no longer numbs me
just sloshes a bit
and leaves a bitter taste
regret
nostalgia
irrational loneliness

It's Alive

“I will not fade away from this world that has bruised me”

“Even if I stand alone, I’ll find my way, and live to see the brighter days.”

Why does letting go feel like falling?
Like failing?

My soul aches to see you walk away
A brief hug
A smile in a group of people
Cloaked by noise
By the rush

I just want a word
A quiet voice for my thoughts

where is the one with whom I can share my secrets?
where is the one who will hold me when I need to cry?
where is the one who tells me the truth?
where is the one who I can always trust?
where is the one I once knew?
where is the one I will know?

too much time
too much thought
filling the silences
filling the pages
soul-crushing emotion
from the darkness
irrational dwelling
demons haunting
must stay busy
must not stop
to think
to feel
not ever

In the silence I think
And while thinking can never sleep
Alcohol to add noise to my head
I yell away the space
Cavort and waste my life
Overcompensation
To avoid the introspection
Fatigue is my drug
And my downfall
Withdrawals from truth
Crush my skull
What I have lost will never be regained
The one who once responded
To my despondency
Has departed
And I feel the void more
As time goes on
As the pressure builds
The cracks are leaking now
But I cannot weep

i find solace in spite
and music without memories
connecting through liquid and smoke
the smile facade becomes truth
i show my teeth all the time now
flash the grin
sway to the music in my head
piped in over time
painstakingly chosen
the fleeting time we spend
rolls off my passive back
the anger attempts to surface
but is shoved down
i don't need it
i don't need anything from you

a tumult of emotion
bombarding me from every angle
vying for each ounce of my attention
I strive to tune it out
rationalize and push aside
pick out the truths
throw away the lies
cherish the memories
mourn the losses
I cannot let it pull me down
I will not drown
The world continues

Here's to You

"After all is said and done
Am I still the one that's numb?
After all is gone and lost
Am I empty?"





(It's Alive is a fantastic band I've discovered. The lyrics are all very emo and generally fit my moods. However, I haven't got all the lyrics transcribed yet. More to come, no doubt.)

Stop For A Minute - Keane lyrics

Some days, feels my soul has left my body
Feel I'm floating high above me
Like I'm looking down upon me

Start sinking, every time I get to thinking
It's easier to keep on moving
Never stop to let the truth in

Sometimes I feel like it's all been done
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done
Too tired to fight and yet too scared to run

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

I feel like I'm a thief who has no faith
Maybe more than by the grade
Of the drugs you took that day

Sinking in the pain he's been inflicting
Yet he's feeling like the victim
Just a horoscope's to blame

Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out 'til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things really I don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm child and so wherever you go
I will follow

(rap)
One... yeah...
And baby you are just beautiful from crown to your cuticles
You held down my two sons, you never frown when duty calls
You know me, I gave you more than you can handle
But you still keep a handle on it, even when I take something beautiful and vandal on it
No more females? Well how come my emails got notes on a scandal
It's like Eve with the apple,
A priest in the chapel
Overcome by the devil's tackle
I'm still shackling the bad til I know
I'm such a hassle every time I let my thoughts go
I get baffled so I hardly pause
I just crossed seas with these gnarly broads
Cos it hurts me just to see what I finally lost
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

sleep is an elusive beast
just out of reach
dancing near
feinting back
it's okay though
i don't want it anyway

(rhyming? since when?)

my eyes are dry.
even if i wanted to
i could not cry.

emotions fight
tumbling inside
yet never take flight.

i push them away
swallowed up
hidden, and kept at bay

i am dulled
nothing matters
my soul is sold

dear void:
(for it is you to whom I write)
take my ceaseless ramblings,
do with them what you will.
allow me the consolation
of letting my thoughts
escape my tired head.

just the act of typing
watching the words form on the whiteness
relieves the pressure.
hitting 'publish post'
is the only therapy i need.

my fingers itch to tap the keys
that explain my thoughts in written words.
i cannot let my emotion vent that way again.
no longer will my truth confront you on the screen.
no longer will you see my words and cringe.
i wish instead to really talk.
to let my new voice carry my new truth.
to be sure that you understand.
to be sure that i don't mess up again.
yet you resist that as well.
and my truth is again pent up.
seeping through my tired fingers.
i must resist the urge to fill the blankness with my rambling.

she is here, but her mind is far away.
her eyes stray often to her phone
as if it will save her from any awkwardness.
there is none though, but what she makes,
but what she doesn't allow me to say.
my words, oft rehashed, rehearsed,
lie dormant on my tongue.
they could free us from this distance.
but she doesn't want them,
casually, callously, refuses to acknowledge their potential.
and I am loathe to write them out.
too many times before,
my written words have changed the world.
my world.
my truth has been alone.
and hers absent.

neon lights beckon,
cajoling snidely.
raucous laughter
and snippets of drunken conversation
drift about the night.
myriad smells of spirits
inhabiting stumbling lovers.
those hands entwined.
those lips mingled.

melancholy moods,
like harlequin patterns of shade,
duplicitous agitation,
tumultuous cacophony,
bellicose profundity,
spiraling to lethargy.

emotion washes over me like the five minute downpour.

scrubs me clean in an instant and leaves me soaked in the sun.

the steam of it rises off my body into the crystal air.

i am at once uncomfortable and refreshed.

i leave puddles in my wake.

wet, emotive footprints showing my progress.

they evaporate in time.

my clothes dry.

i was never drenched.

i was never here.

the storm never happened.

It attempts to engulf me.
The knowledge is there.
The emotion can be pushed away.
The desolation can be filled.
The holes are neatly patched.
There is no time to dwell.

The lack of truth is still painful.

The spring is fickle as a yearling filly. One moment soft and warm and whiskery, and the next, cold teeth and the breeze of speed.