i find solace in spite
and music without memories
connecting through liquid and smoke
the smile facade becomes truth
i show my teeth all the time now
flash the grin
sway to the music in my head
piped in over time
painstakingly chosen
the fleeting time we spend
rolls off my passive back
the anger attempts to surface
but is shoved down
i don't need it
i don't need anything from you

a tumult of emotion
bombarding me from every angle
vying for each ounce of my attention
I strive to tune it out
rationalize and push aside
pick out the truths
throw away the lies
cherish the memories
mourn the losses
I cannot let it pull me down
I will not drown
The world continues

Here's to You

"After all is said and done
Am I still the one that's numb?
After all is gone and lost
Am I empty?"





(It's Alive is a fantastic band I've discovered. The lyrics are all very emo and generally fit my moods. However, I haven't got all the lyrics transcribed yet. More to come, no doubt.)

Stop For A Minute - Keane lyrics

Some days, feels my soul has left my body
Feel I'm floating high above me
Like I'm looking down upon me

Start sinking, every time I get to thinking
It's easier to keep on moving
Never stop to let the truth in

Sometimes I feel like it's all been done
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done
Too tired to fight and yet too scared to run

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

I feel like I'm a thief who has no faith
Maybe more than by the grade
Of the drugs you took that day

Sinking in the pain he's been inflicting
Yet he's feeling like the victim
Just a horoscope's to blame

Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out 'til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things really I don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm child and so wherever you go
I will follow

(rap)
One... yeah...
And baby you are just beautiful from crown to your cuticles
You held down my two sons, you never frown when duty calls
You know me, I gave you more than you can handle
But you still keep a handle on it, even when I take something beautiful and vandal on it
No more females? Well how come my emails got notes on a scandal
It's like Eve with the apple,
A priest in the chapel
Overcome by the devil's tackle
I'm still shackling the bad til I know
I'm such a hassle every time I let my thoughts go
I get baffled so I hardly pause
I just crossed seas with these gnarly broads
Cos it hurts me just to see what I finally lost
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

sleep is an elusive beast
just out of reach
dancing near
feinting back
it's okay though
i don't want it anyway

(rhyming? since when?)

my eyes are dry.
even if i wanted to
i could not cry.

emotions fight
tumbling inside
yet never take flight.

i push them away
swallowed up
hidden, and kept at bay

i am dulled
nothing matters
my soul is sold

dear void:
(for it is you to whom I write)
take my ceaseless ramblings,
do with them what you will.
allow me the consolation
of letting my thoughts
escape my tired head.

just the act of typing
watching the words form on the whiteness
relieves the pressure.
hitting 'publish post'
is the only therapy i need.

my fingers itch to tap the keys
that explain my thoughts in written words.
i cannot let my emotion vent that way again.
no longer will my truth confront you on the screen.
no longer will you see my words and cringe.
i wish instead to really talk.
to let my new voice carry my new truth.
to be sure that you understand.
to be sure that i don't mess up again.
yet you resist that as well.
and my truth is again pent up.
seeping through my tired fingers.
i must resist the urge to fill the blankness with my rambling.

she is here, but her mind is far away.
her eyes stray often to her phone
as if it will save her from any awkwardness.
there is none though, but what she makes,
but what she doesn't allow me to say.
my words, oft rehashed, rehearsed,
lie dormant on my tongue.
they could free us from this distance.
but she doesn't want them,
casually, callously, refuses to acknowledge their potential.
and I am loathe to write them out.
too many times before,
my written words have changed the world.
my world.
my truth has been alone.
and hers absent.

neon lights beckon,
cajoling snidely.
raucous laughter
and snippets of drunken conversation
drift about the night.
myriad smells of spirits
inhabiting stumbling lovers.
those hands entwined.
those lips mingled.

melancholy moods,
like harlequin patterns of shade,
duplicitous agitation,
tumultuous cacophony,
bellicose profundity,
spiraling to lethargy.

emotion washes over me like the five minute downpour.

scrubs me clean in an instant and leaves me soaked in the sun.

the steam of it rises off my body into the crystal air.

i am at once uncomfortable and refreshed.

i leave puddles in my wake.

wet, emotive footprints showing my progress.

they evaporate in time.

my clothes dry.

i was never drenched.

i was never here.

the storm never happened.

It attempts to engulf me.
The knowledge is there.
The emotion can be pushed away.
The desolation can be filled.
The holes are neatly patched.
There is no time to dwell.

The lack of truth is still painful.

The spring is fickle as a yearling filly. One moment soft and warm and whiskery, and the next, cold teeth and the breeze of speed.

I’m tired of being invisible.
I’m tired of silence.
I’ve banished mine with truth.
But yours is complete.
Let me exist in your world.

some prose

The song on the radio takes my breath away. I gasp and grip the wheel, blinking the unwanted tears away. I cut the power to the stereo, but the silence is worse. It screams at me. Shouts the truths I don’t want to hear. Another song to drown that truth and add another. On my iPod, I make a playlist of songs with no lyrics. But the melodies haunt me. The rhythms and cadences of drums and strings pull me along as strongly as any lyric. My emotions are up for grabs. Easily manipulated. I have no control over what I feel. Only of how I show my feelings. And so I bloody my knuckles on the white-washed cinder block walls, leaving patches of liquid red. I do pushups until the dirty floor will not let me rise again. I write until my fingers cramp or my pen bleeds all its ink away. More pushups. More physical fatigue. Try to keep the tears at bay. Repeat.

some quotes

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.
~William Shakespeare

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. ~C.S. Lewis

Our most difficult task as a friend is to offer understanding when we don't understand. ~Robert Brault

True friends stab you in the front. ~Oscar Wilde

over-compensation
over-consumption
silence screams
deafened by the void
confused by the method
lonely exhaustion
empty thoughts

magnetic poetry

find mutual understanding
then heaven was shared
down to evening bed
kiss full rich smile
ward off a thousand girls
marry innocent guy
enjoy the moon rise
another soft arm
search for god between delicious nights
join the bloom of song
positive language has tremendous soul
grow hope every day
beauty promises pleasure
away with you boy
the universe is never happy
dream of infinite skin
love fever is curling that mind
make love in every dance
fight pink lips
charm always voices fire
go wild together
warm old neighbor rhapsody
i know you did with fruit

you're the song on the radio
that makes me cry

you're the thought
that keeps me awake nights

"maybe this time i'll be bulletproof"

"it's too late to apologize"

"it seems like you've done this before"