The turmoil of testosterone
spins me in it's sick cycles.
Will I ever be a real boy?

again resisting bed
but now only because it's empty

"Sometimes smiling comes with sound"

and

I think they call this bliss.

I don't know how to deal with death.
Does anyone?
Not likely.

I just want to be able to make everything okay.
I want to heal all the hurt.
It hurts to see others hurt.

the sun comes up every morning
through
tremendous sadness
and
infinite beauty

more magnetic poetry

enjoy a full night on skin
a girl felt up baby
their gift was to understand music
taste each true rhapsody
your best wishes were whispered
thank them
warm sun will go find my mind
sit beside your mother
go away song ache

I cannot find the words.
It's like trying to take a photograph of a moonlit night.
Impossible.
Out of reach.
But I want to capture the beauty I feel.
I will continue to grasp at the silvery light.

I am unafraid to see myself mirrored in your eyes.

One cannot readily pursue happiness
It is an elusive beast
Coming only when least expected

Love happens to work similarly.

sometimes I cannot contain my smile.

My hearts swells to bursting.
It's too soon to let that flood fill the room.
I let it leak slowly from my fingertips,
As they caress your back.
It can escape from my lips on your brow.
It shines from my eyes as they lock onto yours.
It is on the breath that we share.

"regrets are for quitters"

but it hurts me to hurt you.

sweat is a poor substitute for tears.

the songs no longer hold their sting
no tears mist my eyes
every day gets easier

but I still miss you

a gnawing at my soul
the coldness around my heart
cacophony in my head

i've kept it out for so long
numbed myself
i tried to return slowly
but it's crushing me
the long-forgotten weight
taking revenge

nothing likes being pent up
not self-realization
not fear
not anger
not love
not faith

and i've given each it's turn behind the dam
can't i swim in a peaceful river
a river blended with the aspects of each?
will there ever be a time when i'm not either all or or nothing?

In the unspoken spaces between the chatter
In the silences that populate the long days
There lurks the discontent.
It looms over us, but we ignore it.
I can tell that it crushes you.
I can see it in your eyes,
It is reflected in your words.
But it is never referred to directly.
And it pains me to observe.
Yet I will hold my peace.
I will stand by you until such a time as I am needed.
I will forever be at your elbow ignoring your protest.
I will be your shadow.
For you are destined to be great and I will see you through.

People always say "the waves lapped the shore"
what of : "the waves caressed the sands"?

I tire of the trite.
I yearn for unique, novel, awe-inspiring.

I am bored and malcontent.

A shadow over the face of the moon
Marring the pale innocence
Dimming the silver radiance

my rock,
i hope i'm not the rivulet of water that slowly causes you to crumble
i need you strong for me
i never wish to be your detriment
thank you for being my bastion
for listening and understanding when so few would
you are my all.

if this is a glimpse of what may is to come
i wish to hasten it's arrival
but, as always, i have to be patient
i must wait for the other to make the moves
i've done all i can ever do

and so i wait.

how long to sing this song?

get the fuck out of my head.
leave my dreams alone.

magnetic emotion

skin your mother
(run my) hand over his sister
vow by tender fire
you fight like an only child
kiss away every tiny joy
love is nice
we be not innocent
your woman is devoted to wild pleasure
caress her cheek
give the gift of hope
fascinating voices
fly forever a thousand souls
belong between the universe
sweet beauty boy
I never remember
embrace the power rich emotion
laugh/ I canish
sleep as if there are no dreams
that old guy joined the goddess
search by soft evening sky
marry making neighbor
trust little beams
tremendous sadness compares to heaven
enduring infinite touch is a must
let my open lips lease you
dance off all work
smile at red kid
go away song ache
fruit with chocolate
thing strong
tear hair
taste each true rhapsody

I am a living contradiction.
One breath says stay,
another, go.
I cling and I shove.
I want space
but never to be alone.
I want security
and I want freedom.
I say I don't feel,
Then I say I love you.

head wars with heart
the battle deep within me
i don't know which to side with
i don't know which is right

no one wins wars

this is a very odd feeling.

i am not okay.

I wish I could heal the hurt.

My own.

Everyone's.

My heart breaks with you.

My heart breaks for you.

... I am heartless. unfeeling.

how does this all affect my numbness?

I thought I was in love once.
Then I realized that I love everyone.
And that it's okay to lose some.
And gain others.

I have learned the lesson of restraint.
I have learned to free myself from myself.
I have learned to notice my manipulation.
And temper it.
I have learned to suppress, and work out my emotions.
I have learned to tread carefully.
To be wary.
But always, always to love.

I will never stop trusting.
I will never stop loving.

Any hurt I sustain from such love and trust,
Is my fault and mine alone.

There will never be anything to forgive.

Magnetic Poetry

sweet skin lit by good fun
please share another tender pleasure
do not give the nice woman grass
use sacred wild sea
dream a life
join only easy songs
their art has endured tremendous times
i devote ever happy tear to my father
go between honor and fire
make a thousand mutual beams of music
language is forever delicious
the universe is laughing
compare souls
fly down & kiss the infinite night
curl together
rise to a hero
man up
kneel under with love
caress god
trust as if you belong
never ward off positive touch
embrace the boy
you marry this neighbor girl
think hard
play at looking innocent
little but home
hope guy
must fight beauty to find luck
come enjoy smile river
do ears taste fascination
true chocolate moon light
the small had you wanting
in search of heaven/emotion/rhapsody/promise
make my day
pink sugar in every child
charm his world

losing a friend is like losing a limb. you never realize how much you depend on them until they're gone...

sometimes, I miss her so much I think my chest might explode.

interestingly, that "her" could be any number of people, some of them not female...

borrowed emotion.
as usual.

but the tow is strong.
out to sea.
adrift.

Am I making the right decision?
Is this all a huge mistake?
What will the future hold?
Do I even want to know?

i like to think that my hugs can heal the world.

raison d'etre

It pains to see others hurt
more for them to hide it
to suffer alone
i want to share
lighten the load
be the bastion
even if it pains me

sometimes it hurts so much.
I just want to hold you in my arms.

and the truth shall set you free.

I am ever so free.

my heart is my own.

to give to whom I choose.

how many times do i have to say it?
the truth is what i live by, no matter the pain.
and yet, assumptions are made
contrary to my truth
and i am left in the dark
searching the murk for the lost truth
it just keeps hiding
elusive and taunting
when i catch it again
i will never let it go

Gravity

There are people in this world that have a sort of Gravity. I do not mean seriousness. I also do not mean that they are hugely fat. But that they carry some sort of weight or power in some realm that I cannot describe.

I am drawn to people with this Gravity. I feel as though I need to be close to that other-realm power. Some people manifest it in different (and equally inexplicable) ways. Basically, I wish to be near them, to be a part of something special. I just want to observe at the least, and take part if at all possible.

The people with this Gravity are the people who seem to shine in a room of people. They may be the most chatty and friendly one of the group, or they could be the quiet one in the corner. They generally are the ones who listen well, and also speak well. One can carry on real conversation with them. One can expect to be heard out and even understood. These are people one can spend hours and days on end with and never become bored or annoyed. Sometimes a person with Gravity says things that are blunt and incomprehensible, but usually necessary. A person with Gravity is affirming and seems to see into people in new and interesting ways. Often they are ambitious, but in a low-key sort of way. The Gravity is not directed as Fame, though I'm sure some famous people have Gravity as well.

I think that many people with Gravity for me do not hold the same Gravity for others. I believe that some are fairly across the board, most people are affected by their Gravity. But for others, it seems I'm alone in my recognition of their Gravity. This makes it even harder to explain and quantify.

I tend to center myself around people with Gravity. Usually it is not a conscious decision. It just sort of happens. And for various reasons, a person with Gravity has left my life. This always throws me off-balance and into a strange confusion. I need to realign myself and refocus. I need to approach other people with Gravity much more carefully.

Think of it sort of like a planet orbiting a star. The star holds the planet on course with Gravity. The planet is autonomous, but supported. What if the star was to blink out? Perhaps the planet would be decimated in whatever caused the star's demise. Or perhaps it would just be left adrift, until some other object with Gravity stabilized it again.

I'm not astrophysicist. Obviously. I am just a wobbly planet searching for my next star.

unknown agitation
uncaused irritants
uncanny whims

I'm failing.
I once had a friend who responded.
I said I was a wreck.
She came anyway.
I don't have that anymore.

I don't want to strain anyone.
I want everything to be okay.
I want to hold and be held.

"And all the words we left unsaid still torture me..."

"I guess I’ll stay this way for now
And maybe fix myself somehow
I’m falling deep, alone again
I’m not hopeless"




lyrics by It's Alive

A big vocabulary should be customary when you fall in love!

“What a night! I was in more laps than a napkin.”

“We’re happy, young and…. hemorrhaging blood.”

(from Reefer Madness)

you help me break this addiction
your presence slackens her grip on me
giddiness overcoming unease and pain
I just want my heart back so I can give it to you
it's a bit broken
but we can fix it together
and you'll take much better care of it.

whos larry??

vast vagueries
feints in the dark
snaps at the jugular with padded teeth
blood tainted with confused regret
spilling on the crumbled snow
ice daggers to the heart
leaving it beating and broken
disappearing without a trace
melting to cowardly silence

I will never stop trusting.
No matter who lies to me or how many times.
When the truth is withheld and uncovered.
When you walk away and never return.

There is nothing to forgive.

stockholm syndrome

"It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention"


My biggest fear is that I will become you.
You were my world.
You sucked me in.
Then pushed me out.
And I'm trapped.

I just want my heart to be free.
So I can give it to another.

sound of pulling heaven down

I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is
When earth collides with all the space between...

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before,
Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore.
I may be some sort of crazy,
We may be some sort of crazy,
But I swear on everything I have and more...


-- blue october

magnetic poetry

the universe is laughing
make a thousand beams of music
language is forever delicious
please share another tender pleasure
do not give the nice woman grass
use sacred wild sea
fly down to kiss the infinite night
curl together
never ward off positive touch
do ears taste fascination
must fight beauty to find truth
true chocolate moonlight
pink sugar in every child

I got a new copy of the Tao te Ching. It is a used copy and someone wrote in the front of it. "I think we are having more fun seeing the world than many others." I want to live that quote.

intoxicated by possibilities
haunted by potential

Someone else wrote this, and I like it so very much.

"i will, i will, i will. i will, one day, create something great. but for now, i am creating every single day, and the few people who feel these and smile, that's all that matters for now."

what is 1000 miles?
what is a month and a half?
a blur, a blink
a grueling eternity

but for the tapping of keys
the bouncing of satellites
the hum of wires

the late nights
the quick days

you keep me going.

why dont you stay out of my head?
why cant i go though a day without you?
you haunt me and you dont even know it.
why did i allow you to ruin me in this way?

i miss my friend.
i wish her ghost would leave me be.
it is no substitute.

the ache is deep
there is no right or wrong
i am compelled
i am withdrawn
the truth must be spoken, always
i want it to work
i fear that it won't
when did things get so complicated?

The Science of Sleep

"In dreams, emotions are overwhelming."

"The problem is that I do not have a girlfriend. And I am not dead."

"I like your boobs. I think they are very friendly and unpretentious."

the taste of tears is the closest I've ever been
to the ocean.

Ruby Tuesday

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

"...that bird that when set free will eventually return for visits but when caged will die ..."

"let it go, this too shall pass"

haunted life

yearning for desolation
consoled by emptiness
completed only by loneliness

"let it go, this too shall pass"


liquid no longer numbs me
just sloshes a bit
and leaves a bitter taste
regret
nostalgia
irrational loneliness

It's Alive

“I will not fade away from this world that has bruised me”

“Even if I stand alone, I’ll find my way, and live to see the brighter days.”

Why does letting go feel like falling?
Like failing?

My soul aches to see you walk away
A brief hug
A smile in a group of people
Cloaked by noise
By the rush

I just want a word
A quiet voice for my thoughts

where is the one with whom I can share my secrets?
where is the one who will hold me when I need to cry?
where is the one who tells me the truth?
where is the one who I can always trust?
where is the one I once knew?
where is the one I will know?

too much time
too much thought
filling the silences
filling the pages
soul-crushing emotion
from the darkness
irrational dwelling
demons haunting
must stay busy
must not stop
to think
to feel
not ever

In the silence I think
And while thinking can never sleep
Alcohol to add noise to my head
I yell away the space
Cavort and waste my life
Overcompensation
To avoid the introspection
Fatigue is my drug
And my downfall
Withdrawals from truth
Crush my skull
What I have lost will never be regained
The one who once responded
To my despondency
Has departed
And I feel the void more
As time goes on
As the pressure builds
The cracks are leaking now
But I cannot weep

i find solace in spite
and music without memories
connecting through liquid and smoke
the smile facade becomes truth
i show my teeth all the time now
flash the grin
sway to the music in my head
piped in over time
painstakingly chosen
the fleeting time we spend
rolls off my passive back
the anger attempts to surface
but is shoved down
i don't need it
i don't need anything from you

a tumult of emotion
bombarding me from every angle
vying for each ounce of my attention
I strive to tune it out
rationalize and push aside
pick out the truths
throw away the lies
cherish the memories
mourn the losses
I cannot let it pull me down
I will not drown
The world continues

Here's to You

"After all is said and done
Am I still the one that's numb?
After all is gone and lost
Am I empty?"





(It's Alive is a fantastic band I've discovered. The lyrics are all very emo and generally fit my moods. However, I haven't got all the lyrics transcribed yet. More to come, no doubt.)

Stop For A Minute - Keane lyrics

Some days, feels my soul has left my body
Feel I'm floating high above me
Like I'm looking down upon me

Start sinking, every time I get to thinking
It's easier to keep on moving
Never stop to let the truth in

Sometimes I feel like it's all been done
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done
Too tired to fight and yet too scared to run

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

I feel like I'm a thief who has no faith
Maybe more than by the grade
Of the drugs you took that day

Sinking in the pain he's been inflicting
Yet he's feeling like the victim
Just a horoscope's to blame

Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out 'til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things really I don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm child and so wherever you go
I will follow

(rap)
One... yeah...
And baby you are just beautiful from crown to your cuticles
You held down my two sons, you never frown when duty calls
You know me, I gave you more than you can handle
But you still keep a handle on it, even when I take something beautiful and vandal on it
No more females? Well how come my emails got notes on a scandal
It's like Eve with the apple,
A priest in the chapel
Overcome by the devil's tackle
I'm still shackling the bad til I know
I'm such a hassle every time I let my thoughts go
I get baffled so I hardly pause
I just crossed seas with these gnarly broads
Cos it hurts me just to see what I finally lost
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

sleep is an elusive beast
just out of reach
dancing near
feinting back
it's okay though
i don't want it anyway

(rhyming? since when?)

my eyes are dry.
even if i wanted to
i could not cry.

emotions fight
tumbling inside
yet never take flight.

i push them away
swallowed up
hidden, and kept at bay

i am dulled
nothing matters
my soul is sold

dear void:
(for it is you to whom I write)
take my ceaseless ramblings,
do with them what you will.
allow me the consolation
of letting my thoughts
escape my tired head.

just the act of typing
watching the words form on the whiteness
relieves the pressure.
hitting 'publish post'
is the only therapy i need.

my fingers itch to tap the keys
that explain my thoughts in written words.
i cannot let my emotion vent that way again.
no longer will my truth confront you on the screen.
no longer will you see my words and cringe.
i wish instead to really talk.
to let my new voice carry my new truth.
to be sure that you understand.
to be sure that i don't mess up again.
yet you resist that as well.
and my truth is again pent up.
seeping through my tired fingers.
i must resist the urge to fill the blankness with my rambling.

she is here, but her mind is far away.
her eyes stray often to her phone
as if it will save her from any awkwardness.
there is none though, but what she makes,
but what she doesn't allow me to say.
my words, oft rehashed, rehearsed,
lie dormant on my tongue.
they could free us from this distance.
but she doesn't want them,
casually, callously, refuses to acknowledge their potential.
and I am loathe to write them out.
too many times before,
my written words have changed the world.
my world.
my truth has been alone.
and hers absent.

neon lights beckon,
cajoling snidely.
raucous laughter
and snippets of drunken conversation
drift about the night.
myriad smells of spirits
inhabiting stumbling lovers.
those hands entwined.
those lips mingled.

melancholy moods,
like harlequin patterns of shade,
duplicitous agitation,
tumultuous cacophony,
bellicose profundity,
spiraling to lethargy.

emotion washes over me like the five minute downpour.

scrubs me clean in an instant and leaves me soaked in the sun.

the steam of it rises off my body into the crystal air.

i am at once uncomfortable and refreshed.

i leave puddles in my wake.

wet, emotive footprints showing my progress.

they evaporate in time.

my clothes dry.

i was never drenched.

i was never here.

the storm never happened.

It attempts to engulf me.
The knowledge is there.
The emotion can be pushed away.
The desolation can be filled.
The holes are neatly patched.
There is no time to dwell.

The lack of truth is still painful.

The spring is fickle as a yearling filly. One moment soft and warm and whiskery, and the next, cold teeth and the breeze of speed.

I’m tired of being invisible.
I’m tired of silence.
I’ve banished mine with truth.
But yours is complete.
Let me exist in your world.

some prose

The song on the radio takes my breath away. I gasp and grip the wheel, blinking the unwanted tears away. I cut the power to the stereo, but the silence is worse. It screams at me. Shouts the truths I don’t want to hear. Another song to drown that truth and add another. On my iPod, I make a playlist of songs with no lyrics. But the melodies haunt me. The rhythms and cadences of drums and strings pull me along as strongly as any lyric. My emotions are up for grabs. Easily manipulated. I have no control over what I feel. Only of how I show my feelings. And so I bloody my knuckles on the white-washed cinder block walls, leaving patches of liquid red. I do pushups until the dirty floor will not let me rise again. I write until my fingers cramp or my pen bleeds all its ink away. More pushups. More physical fatigue. Try to keep the tears at bay. Repeat.

some quotes

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.
~William Shakespeare

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. ~C.S. Lewis

Our most difficult task as a friend is to offer understanding when we don't understand. ~Robert Brault

True friends stab you in the front. ~Oscar Wilde

over-compensation
over-consumption
silence screams
deafened by the void
confused by the method
lonely exhaustion
empty thoughts

magnetic poetry

find mutual understanding
then heaven was shared
down to evening bed
kiss full rich smile
ward off a thousand girls
marry innocent guy
enjoy the moon rise
another soft arm
search for god between delicious nights
join the bloom of song
positive language has tremendous soul
grow hope every day
beauty promises pleasure
away with you boy
the universe is never happy
dream of infinite skin
love fever is curling that mind
make love in every dance
fight pink lips
charm always voices fire
go wild together
warm old neighbor rhapsody
i know you did with fruit

you're the song on the radio
that makes me cry

you're the thought
that keeps me awake nights

"maybe this time i'll be bulletproof"

"it's too late to apologize"

"it seems like you've done this before"

magnetic poetry

honor their search for togetherness
marry woman ear
thank luck this chocolate did drop
find the morning quiet
run between sea and moon
believe in home
dance when you know the words
hour of beauty flowers
tears can let down his child
grow fascinating eyes
love through music
careish kid

i read it anyway, of course
a tear for every word
uncomprehending the reasons
perhaps it is necessary
perhaps it will work

i wish i could be angry
instead, i'm numb.

you warned me
made it clear
i've failed.

we write, posting our silent voices to the void
knowing we will be heard, read, acknowledged, felt
but it's false. it's the coward's method.

i could never meet your eyes now
perhaps never again.
i've given you my truth
and now they are mirrors i wish to avoid
i'll lower my eyes with my voice.

more borrowed emotion

Lyrics by Jonsi


We're sinking friendships
We drown more and more

No one knows you, till is over
No one wants to, till is over


You will survive, will never stop wonders
You and sunrise will never fall under
We should always know that we can do anything

You'll know, when's time to go on
You'll really want to grow and grow till tall
They all, in the end, will fall

I wonder if I'm allowed ever to see
I wonder if I'm allowed to ever be free

I must keep you close
You know my secrets
You know my pretense
You know my facade
My manipulation
I'm not safe

I hate this sour headspace
I hate pining for what once was
I hate allowing myself to be hurt by you

We are dancing
Missing each other in the darkness
Connecting only over others
Only through liquid and smoke

Will we ever share again?
Will the truth prevail?
Or will this awkward duet be endless?

Borrowed Emotion

Go Your Own Way- Fleetwood Mac

Loving you isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things that I feel?
If I could, maybe I'd give you my world
How can I, when you won't take it from me?
You can go your own way, go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
You can go your own way, go your own way
Tell me why everything turned around?
Packing up, shacking up, is all you wanna do
If I could baby I'd give you my world
Open up, everything's waiting for you
You can go your own way, go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
You can go your own way, go your own way

Magnetic Poetry

sister come here
believe in home
want to give head
remember soft goddess
take another picture
life for arm guy
go wild lift heaven
compare boys taste
delicious warm bed
fly away
positive foreplay
enjoy evening smell
happy fire grass
love through music
i will caress for sugar
making some one touch come is a favorite
use up your sky
older than honey

Magnetic Poetry Day 13

believe in life
fly away
compare boys
if I could only understand the universe
dreams are not true
tender emotions aching.

Magnetic Poetry Day 10

to protect my heart I must never trust a hope
the innocent embrace holds promise of infinite rhapsody
dark is the mind that endures strong love

always respect tremendous pleasure
I find tiny peace with sad art
my charm makes each moment good
taste every language
pink hair fever
cheeky river girl

can truth be a mistake?
in my honesty do I divulge too much?
should i retreat?
keep myself safe?
hold the truth within me?

is enduring the pressure
better or worse
than causing the explosion?

my truth is a time-bomb.
will it explode in my face?
or will it be diffused in time?

You kept me company in the loneliness of a full house.
You comfort me when I nearly despair.
You affirm me in who I don't yet know I am.
You write beautiful letters on empty paper pages,
and speak beautiful words to the empty pages of my heart and mind.

i check 200 times a day
but still nothing
the emptyness haunts me
the blank pages jeer
the silence laughs

emotion begets creativity
when content i cannot write
cannot imagine
in the soul-searching
the words come
through the tears
they fill the pages
my fingers fly
my creation may not be worth much
but it is new, fresh
it is me
it is truth
it is how i an able to feel.

the only way i can feel is to share
i write my words for all to see
i fill pages with my scribbles
i type them, post them
they aren't of worth
but it is my truth
and i shall never hide again

wallowing in self-pity
mired in melancholy
i only look inward
selfish to the core

i want what i want and nothing less
why can't i see others?
i only use them
i help them to help myself
no altruism
only selfishness

there's so much left to share
nothing has been accomplished
concerts
movies
walks
dances
drinks
dinners
conversations
hugs
smiles

I've so much to give

like the pendant around my neck
always with me
a slight weight
a small sound
reminding me

always with me
in the back of my mind
in the front
the root of each decision
hope of every day
the sadness each night